I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
