Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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