Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
