you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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