Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Sponge bath it is.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
