Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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