sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
