I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
