operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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