I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
