I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
