Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
