i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
