I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
