My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
