I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
