i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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