You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
