the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
