I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
