I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
