Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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