one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize