Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My pussy is not your playground.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize