if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
