probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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