I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
