I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
