I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
