my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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