i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
