Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
