im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
