Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
