He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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