Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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