dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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