If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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