I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
