I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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