We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
