Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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