somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
