i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
