...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I queefed so loud it echoed.
two words...techno handjob
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
