I should be sponsored by Trojan
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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