im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
