who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize