I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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