Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize