OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
