I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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