I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
