dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
