i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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