I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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