Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
